USDA Declares Humans Invasive Species

According to a new report released by the US Department of Agriculture, Homo sapiens (common name, "Human") is an invasive species that is greatly endangering the indigenous wildlife and ecology of the North American continent.

A pack of H. sapiens are shown here, exuding carbon dioxide and other toxins into the pristine North American atmosphere

Unlike indigenous species, invasive species did not evolve in the locale being considered, but migrated or were accidentally transported to it.  They will soon overwhelm their new, non-native environment and severely impact the pre-existing species there.  Their uncanny ability to thrive out of balance with the rest of their environment stems from the fact that they will have left behind the natural predators that kept their population to a reasonable level in their original home.  In fact, it is not unknown for species to become extinct in their original ecosystems, only to live on in others where they were only recently introduced.

GOP senators were not pleased by the mention of this issue during a presidential campaign, but their spokesman Charles Schumer (X - NY) say they have a plan to deal with it nonetheless.  "If we can start a nuclear war with Iran, that should reduce the population back to safe levels, mostly 1%'ers and a few other quality folks such as you meet in the Hamptons on nice weekends."

via, which may well be a parody site.  Liberties taken without apology.