Random musings on whatever subject strikes my fancy, published every other day.

Tag: satire

My Cat is a Speciesist

My cat does not understand why I get into that big torrent of water to clean myself.  She does just fine with tongue and paw, and it’s much lighter on resource use.

My cat thinks that if I had only had the good sense to obtain a decent coat of primary fur, I would have no need to waste all that time every day applying secondary fur.

My cat

My cat pities me for how bad at hunting I am, and for having to resort to the use of artificial aids like those shiny fork-things in order to present her with food.  She used to tease me about this by presenting me with food she got using only her own claws & teeth.  Until the mice got the hint that ours had become a very unhealthy environment to enter, and should be avoided from now on.

My cat gets generally annoyed with me for how poor an example of the cat kingdom I offer.  But she’s still willing to accept belly-rubs.

My cat can generally not conceive of the fact that some creatures, like my wife and me, are neither cats nor cat-food, and that our bizarre ways and looks are quite appropriate for our species.  She thinks we are cats who are simply not very good at it.  She is, however, quite generously willing to instruct us on how to be better cats.

It is, after all, the grey cat’s burden, to instruct the lesser ones among whom she has gone to live as to how best to fulfill whatever limited potential we may have.

Drunk dad advice

This Kids in the Hall video is unserious, but it makes some serious points.

Chad doesn’t know where they’re going, but he knows.  He’s being fitted for his own little manbox, and he can’t say it’s unexpected — he’s been shown this box since he was no older than 5, maybe younger.  His dad gets “pathetically drunk” because drinking = manhood.  Men make fire.  Men are the ones who know about money.  Men don’t care about pain. Pick a stereotype, it’s in there.

Chad isn’t happy about his box but he’s not offered much choice.  It’s his family tradition, after all.  And now he feels a lot older….

I.Q.

Idiot Quota – my idea of the week.

I hereby declare that each of us is entitled to set a reasonable daily Idiot Quota, and when it is reached, we are no longer required to deal with any more idiots that day.  By “reasonable,” I mean greater than zero, but not necessarily into double digits.

The magnitude of the idiots is not relevant.  By dealing with bigger idiots at times, you are learning the valuable lesson that the world is essentially random and sometimes you just get the worse of it.  If your quota is seven idiots per day, one really big idiot still only counts as one.  Six to go.

Also, it is required to deal with the idiots in person (or on the phone).  Reading about idiots in the news is not sufficient.  Remember, someone else had to deal with that idiot in person.  Similarly, please do not try to shirk your duty by simply attending a meeting.  Idiots in meetings only count as the square root of the number of idiots in the meeting, rounded up to the next integer.  So if you attend a meeting with seven idiots, take the square root of seven (~2.6458), which rounds up to 3.

The good news is, once you have reached your quota, you are no longer required to deal with any more idiots that day.  The overflow will be shunted to a waiting area where they may watch E! and Fox News, and read assorted Kardashians’ Twitter feeds.

It will be tempting to set your quota at one, since zero is not allowed.  This is technically allowed, but please do not subject this program to the Tragedy of the Commons.  We ask that you set your quota high enough to keep the overflow manageable.  Otherwise, Tea Party rallies may break out and then there will be real trouble for all of us.

Won’t Someone Think of the Children?

It’s not just vaccines.  There’s another killer out there stalking your children… read on for the horrible truth!

We are all aware that one of the leading causes of death among kids ages 0-11 years is auto collisions.  But here’s something I bet you did not realize: nearly every single one of these incidents follows the vigorous application of at least one of the cars’ brakes, usually by only a fraction of a second.  In other words, these children did not have to die.  Big Mecha, with its mindless insistence on equipping every car with brakes, is murdering our babies!

More than 9,000 of our precious darlings perished in the decade from 2002-2011, an astonishing 650 alone in the year 2011.  (CDC report quoted selectively in USA Today)   In the interest of our agenda, however, we’re going to ignore the hint that the overall death-rate is declining (650 being much less that one tenth of the ten-year total) and we’ll also ignore the CDC’s explicit statement that one of the biggest preventable causes of these deaths is the fact that about a third of the newly-minted angels were not buckled in.

No, we’re going to follow the brave lead of Robert Moore Jr. and get the brakes taken off our car.  As Moore points out in his groundbreaking essay:

I decided to do my own research and what I found was *staggering*: Hundreds of people every year are seriously injured by unnecessary braking. One time, I was driving in the snow and I just lightly tapped my brakes and it caused my car to COMPLETELY LOSE CONTROL. My brakes could have very easily gotten me killed. Even more astoundingly is how often brake pads will warp and distort rotors, causing bumpy rides and squeaky wheels.

And you know what? I also found that decades ago brakes weren’t even used! People would control their vehicle’s speed with downshifting and engine braking. Maybe it’s just coincidence, but back when engine braking was used there were almost no automotive fatalities. 

Robert is becoming the voice of the growing anti-braker movement, or as we might prefer to call it, “Natural Driving.”  Sure, he lacks the bubble-headed celebrity moron status of a Jenny McCarthy, and this will definitely be a hindrance to getting our movement off the ground.  But we still press on, bucking Big Mecha with their $49.99 brake pad “specials”, not to mention the state officials in their pockets with so-called auto safety regulations and the fascist “inspections” that enforce them

Help our movement grow!  Defeat Big Mecha!  Buy some swag, to show your spirit!

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