The Onion is a satirical news website that is the only place you can go to read this recurring nightmare as it truly is.

‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

My apologies… I’m tired. So tired.

By the way… this is seven days in a row with mass shooting, ‘Murkkka. Keep it up. Fifty more and we’ll get that juicy Heinz promotional deal.